How to listen
Image by saeed karimi via UnsplashEvery Finance Business Partner knows listening is critical. But what does it actually mean to “listen well”? Here are 3 principles (and a bonus tip):
1️⃣ Listen to understand, not to respond.
✅ DO: Have the intent to learn.
It must come from a place of curiosity about the other person’s point of view.
❌ DON’T: Interrupt.
That’s clear. But people often don’t realize that sharing their point of view as soon as the other person has finished their thought isn’t much better.
Ask a follow-up question to give them a chance to think if there is something else they’d like to add. Usually, there is.
2️⃣ Maintain the right balance
There are three parts to a successful conversation:
➣ Inquiry (asking)
➣ Paraphrasing (summarizing)
➣ and Advocacy (telling)
✅ DO: Use Inquiry liberally.
It shows the other person that you care. And paraphrase regularly. People underestimate the “sender-receiver” problem.
Not everything is understood the way the speaker intended. Summarizing what the other person said achieves 3 things:
1) It makes sure you understand what they meant,
2) It makes the speaker feel understood, and
3) It prevents you from sharing your opinion too soon.
❌ DON’T: Prioritize advocacy over inquiry and paraphrasing.
Let me share with you a secret that every well-trained salesperson understands: If you follow these tips for better listening, your chances that the other person agrees to your recommendation vastly increase.
3️⃣ Avoid common traps
✅ DO: Recognize when yourself or the other person starts to get “triggered.”
Once someone feels a rush of anger, the chances for a successful conversation diminish drastically. That’s because the “reptile part” of our brain (the amygdala) triggers a “fight-flight-freeze” response. In a nutshell, it diverts energy from rational thought to other parts of your body.
❌ DON’T: Get stuck in “advocacy-advocacy lock.”
If the other person disagrees with your recommendation, you may feel compelled to pile on reasons why you are right, and they are wrong. That, in turn, leads the other person to do the same. To get out of it, return to Inquiry and paraphrasing.
BONUS Tip:
If you don’t know what question to ask but feel that the other person hasn’t fully opened up to you yet, say “Tell me more about this.” Try it. It works every time.
If you’d like to learn more about managing difficult conversations, I highly recommend two books:
”Difficult Conversations” by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen, and Roger Fisher of the Harvard Negotiation Project
And “Nonviolent Communication” by Marshall B. Rosenberg PhD. This book has a terrible title, but it’s a true classic that stood the test of time.
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